Funny Letter to the HOA Board

I really enjoy good and humorous writing, therefore I thought I’d share with you this letter a buddy of mine sent to his HOA.  Enjoy…

Dear HOA Board:

I recently received a notice in the mail that I owe a fee of $40.00 to R&R Property Management, $30 of which is late fees, $10 of which is conveniently labeled as “Other Charges”.  I couldn’t for the life of me guess what these “Other Charges” cover, but I sure can tell you what they don’t: Pigeon Control!

I have lived in Scottsdale Casitas since the community’s inception and have been dealing with these harbingers of disease and filth from day one, but it seems to be getting worse.  I know it is a community-wide problem but I have taken the liberty of visiting several of my neighbors who have voiced similar complaints and I can tell you that their manifestations pale in comparison to mine.  A few months back in a fit of anger (and after a couple of your failed attempts at rectifying the situation) I took an air rifle out on my front stoop in order to eradicate the group that calls the ledge above my door “home”.  Now I’m not particularly fond of shooting a high-powered pellet gun into the space above my door and I’m sure my upstairs neighbors would share that sentiment.  However, the situation had become dire and these pigeons had inspired a bloodlust in me befit a field of battle.  Knowing the general community would probably not take lightly the sight of one of their neighbors sneaking around the vicinity with a weapon, I crept out under cover of darkness to exact my revenge.  Unfortunately this cloak of night also caused my aim to be off a hair and my first and only shot missed one of the pigeon’s heads (where I was aiming) and actually hit it square in the breast plate with a very satisfying thump.  With just about any creature of similar size and stature on the planet there is no question this would have been a death-shot; the proverbial “coup de grace”.  I figure the equivalent for a human would be getting hit in the center of the chest with a baseball made of iron at, say, 300 miles an hour.  But much to my dismay, the pigeon shook it off, ruffled his feathers a bit, cocked his head and looked me dead in the eye then flew away.  In that fleeting look I distinctly saw challenge.

Since that day the amount of pigeon feces, feathers, broken eggs etc. has increased almost weekly and with such frequency that I have to sweep and hose off my walkway daily.  It is a disgusting site for people coming to my home and I can only imagine what sort of diseases and germs are being drug into my house on the soles of shoes.  I don’t know a great deal about the customs of these birds but I believe that the pigeon I shot may well have organized the entire populace against me and has them all meeting nightly to poop on my stoop in particular. To be clear, NO ONE I have visited appears to have even close to the amount of pigeon refuse on their entryway that I do.  I also receive the Wall Street Journal every day and as sure as the ebb and flow of the tide, they have managed to crap on it every single morning by the time I walk out to retrieve it.  Thankfully, it comes wrapped. I am nervous to even use my front door and have been reduced to using my garage to go in and out even if its just to get the mail.  I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m a prisoner in my own home but it seems to heading in that general direction.  When I do step out the front door they jeer and mock me now and I know its only a matter of time before I catch a nice warm dump on the top of my head.

So PLEASE, please take care of this problem once and for all.  I believe this is the 3rd time I have complained and it appears that each time someone comes by and places a few more roof needles up there and its quite obviously doing nothing.  I look around the community and its apparent that the $100 a month I pay in HOA is not going towards the pool, landscaping, garbage removal or anything else noticeable so is this one small request too much to ask?  I cannot in good faith continue to pay my HOA dues if this situation is not taken care of.  What’s more I fear that soon I am going to be driven to organize a full-blown onslaught on these birds involving larger weapons and brutal guerilla tactics that will leave pigeon carnage and mayhem in its wake.  No one wants that.

I have attached a photo taken of my walkway on a typical morning so you can see what I deal with and that I am not exaggerating.  It is labeled for convenience.

Please let me know the general timeframe and plan of action on this request. Your prompt attention to this matter is appreciated.

Sincerely,
Scott H.

A follow up letter in response:

Kevin and all (HOA Board):

Below is a picture of my walkway as of this morning, the 4th of February 2011.  It appears that someone did come by and give the pigeon refuse a general sweep over as there are no real chunks of crap sticking up off the concrete.  However, as you can see, there are still dried up smears of yolk and poop stains all over the area.  So, I guess this constitutes what R & R would call a “clean up” effort.  As I have given up at this point, I will be taking a bottle of bleach and a broom to this myself this evening- great way to spend a Friday evening, huh?

As far as the actual pigeon issue is concerned, well, unfortunately (if you are fond of pigeons) I decided to take that issue into my own hands with a much more serious air rifle- with a scope.  I can tell you very confidently that you can save the $1,000 in spiking and netting off my particular building as, if its not already, it will be a non issue by the end of this weekend. Come to find out, these ungracious members of the Dove family are none too adept at dodging a .22 caliber chunk of lead hurtling through the air at their heads at roughly 400 feet-per-second.  With the help of my upstairs neighbors, one of which is apparently an accomplished marksman based off his kill ratio, I have delivered unto these vermin a slice of street justice straight out of a Charles Bronson movie.  It has rained pigeons for 2 days and the local cats have been a great asset in the cleanup efforts.  I haven’t had so much as a pigeons feather land on my walkway since yesterday.  4 year problem- solved in 2 days.

So here is where we are at:  I am going to pay my $99 HOA fee for this month as scheduled but will not be paying the $40 in late/miscellaneous fees.  That is the small price I am charging you for a shoddy clean-up job I have to finish, and the stellar clean-up job I have done on your pigeon problem around my building.

Moving forward, I would recommend taking that $1,000 per building pigeon-proofing fee, cut it in half and disperse it to myself and my two neighbors in the form of a monthly allowance and we will take care of your problem quickly and with great efficiency.  You see, you’re a business and therefore have to follow rules, social conventions, be cognizant of tenants emotions etc….remain “PC” so to speak.  We aren’t and we don’t.  We have no problem being R&R Property Management’s unspoken, secret “Dirty Justice” when it comes to these birds.  No one needs to know.  You mull that one over and get back to me on your own time.  If not, than I believe our business here is concluded.

Its been real, its been fun…but it hasn’t been real fun.

Mike Shubic

Mike Shubic is a seasoned road trip travel video blogger, traversing the byways of the world looking for those hidden gems of the road. From unique destinations, unexpected discoveries, creative cuisine, intriguing inns to exciting attractions…the road is his page. The experiences are his ink. And every 300 miles, a new chapter begins. Whether you live vicariously or by example, Mike will do the exploring so you can have an adventure.

8 Comments

    1. Hi Christy! I know what ya mean on both counts…if I can avoid it, I won’t ever do an HOA again. I have my own story that in nearly as unbelievable. Anyhow, thanks for stopping by! Cheers, Mike

  1. HOA’s are a scam! Anyone who lives in an HOA should just foreclose and run. Put cement down the toilet, dead chciken and tuna in walls, shit under the carpets, live scared shitless skunks living in the place and get out. HOA’s are a disaster! HOA’s are a mini corrupt government! The USA is just a BIG HOA! Don’t buy an HOA house, Don’t rent! GET OUT

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